Forgiveness

When we moved here, we had to find a new daycare. H was used to being in daycare all day but it was important to us to find somewhere that we felt was a good fit for him. We visited a few places prior to moving and decided on one that on that initially fit the bill. We visited twice with him before leaving him. It took a period of adjustment but overall he appeared to be doing ok after about a week or so.

I can say now that it has not gone as I had hoped for a couple of reasons.

First, I became overwhelmed with the sense of chaos that pervaded every time I picked him up or dropped him off. There seemed to be an endless stream of children going and coming and it was extremely loud. I don't know if this bothered him but it certainly made me limit my time in the building.

Second, the bigger issue was and is and will be anywhere we go that is a business, is the state staffing maximums. In Ohio, the limit was 7 2 year olds to one person. In Texas, it's 11! For some reason this state allows almost twice as many 2yo for one person to handle by themselves. I find this to be incredibly ridiculous. I have trouble at times with one 2yo...I can't imagine ELEVEN alternately laughing, running, squirming, crying, whining, pouting, tantrum throwing, quiet, tired, hungry, wet 2 year olds all at once. Yet, the state says this is fine so of course all the daycares staff to the maximum.

I had some other issues come up with the daycare and the workings but will save that for another day (maybe). Anyhow, the room "mom" or grandmotherly type in his case was very nice. We explained H's background and spent time with her and him and the class. It always worked best at his last daycare to "hand him off" physically to someone and not just let him enter and find his own way. P got this, I think, so everyday I would hand her to him and he would willingly go to her no fussing, no crying. Over time, it became clear that H was a favorite of P's.

This is not unusual. H has been a favorite in his previous daycares as well. Indeed, his first daycare caretaker freaked me out. She would say "I love you" all the time to him. I might not have found that so objectionable had I had physical custody of him for more than 3 three months at the time! It was apparent, she would spoil him and hold him more and maybe give him more attention but it was a very small place and designed for kids up to the age of 18 months so it wasn't to the exclusion of other children. It certainly didn't do him any harm. I came to deal with it the best that I could.

Our second daycare, he found multiple caretakers who would give him special attention and perhaps spoil him a bit more and pick him up more. By this time, I had come to accept that it was ok as it was a much larger place with many more people moving in and out of his life during the day. As long as we were able to do the morning hand off -- sometimes he had preferences especially when he aged into the next room -- things went well.

Anyway, P took H under her wing more as a grandson than just another cute kid at the daycare. The more I got to know her, the more the special attention showed. He would drink from her tea during the day, follow her around and be her "helper," and sit in her lap whenever he could get away with it. She even mentioned to me that once she had to reprimand him for walking up to another kid and whacking him...completely unprovoked (read into that adult envy... who doesn't want to do that at times?) After she scolded him, she went over to him at nap to console him and check on him because she felt so bad for having to do it! Fortunately for us, P would also babysit outside of daycare. The first time we had to go out for an evening, I stressed over this for a week. I was sorely hoping that he would not cry when we left. H had never been left with someone outside of family before in his own home.

Fortunately, the evening went extremely well. P came and by the time H took her upstairs to his room, he didn't even realize we left the house...yeah, maybe I should have been bothered by that but I was so happy he hadn't cried one peep while we were gone. P sat for us a couple more times and it was the same. She arrived, he took her upstairs and became oblivious to the rest of the house.

Well, this seems like a long post to get to the point. So here begins the tale for the title. As it turns out, P wasn't happy working at this particular center. We went to school on a Monday and no P in the morning and no P later in the day. Ok, not so unusual, people get sick or something really important comes up. Second day, no P - Valentine's Day - now I knew something was up. Both days the director was there instead. No "hand off," no happy camper, and questions from H "Where P go?"

I received a voice mail message from P that evening letting me know that she had taken a position elsewhere in another field and was sorry for not telling us ahead of time but it was short notice. Well, then began the days of daycare roulette. Who was waiting for us in the morning gets tiresome as it throws off the whole routine of the day.

Anyhow, I was able to talk with H and explain that P wasn't going to be at school anymore. We opt to call it school for simplicity's sake and when he goes to preschool in the fall the name is consistent. At times H would say, "Where P go?" I would have to explain that she wasn't working at school anymore. "She's working at --------." "Oh." This conversation occurred several times over the last couple of weeks. One night H informed me he was writing a note.
"I'm writing a note." "Who are you writing a note to H?"
"P." "Do you miss P?" "Yeth."
"Do you want me to tell P you miss her?" "Yeth."

Last week we were finally able to spend time with P. I told H someone was coming to see him but didn't tell who it was in case something happened. I didn't want him to be disappointed. We waited in the drive as the plan was to go to a possible sitter's house and then to McD's for food and play. She arrived, got out of the car and...he grabbed a hold of me said up, buried his head in my neck, and held on for dear life all the while whimpering. NOT the reaction I expected! I thought he would be so happy!

I tried turning around so he could see her. No use, he just held on tighter. She asked if she could hold him and he wouldn't even talk to her. We all got in the car. He wouldn't look at her or talk to her or let her touch him the whole trip. She had glassy eyes from the moment she saw him. I don't think she expected such complete rejection either. She knew he asked about her and they had been so close he would have gone anywhere with her.

During our visit, he warmed up to the sitter slowly playing with the toys and exploring a bit. At the same time, he began to thaw bit by bit toward P. He started looking at her and talking to her. By the time we left he still wouldn't let her hold him or put him in his seat but by the time we arrived at McD's he said P could get him out of his seat.

From that point, it was back to normal for the two of them. He had to sit by P and show her his toy and run back and forth and talk to her. I can't imagine how relieved she was. She said from the day we first arrived for a visit with H at the daycare that he had a special place in her heart. H has that way about him and I'm glad. The more people he meets, the more his "family" grows.

I believe that H was incredibly angry and hurt by P's sudden departure. He didn't exhibit any signs of it during our talks about her but it became crystal clear when he saw her again after the separation. I do not know if we would have been able to prepare him for it had we had the opportunity. Once I knew the circumstances, I tried my best to set his expectation for the day at school. "P won't be at school. She is working with----------- now but we will see her again soon."

H continued to have difficulty at school. His new teacher was not new to the school and he confirmed that he like her when I asked. He could not, however, disassociate the room from the teacher. I asked if he liked "M's" room (the new teacher.) "Yeth." M's room was not his room it was still P's room. I asked if he liked P's room, he said "No, different."

Ultimately, for many reasons, we chose to go to a new school and so far it seems to be going ok. It's a bit smaller overall (still staffs to state maximums) and certainly less chaotic. He says he likes his new teacher and by the end of the first day he was talking to everyone there. When asked, he said he wanted to go back each day. I was not thrilled to move him to a FOURTH daycare in the space of 18 months but felt that that would be in his best interest. We will be moving him (yet again) this fall when he starts preschool but that choice is being made so he can stay at one place for several years.

In the end, we can only be thankful that children are generally quick to forgive and to adjust.