Love in the Future

I wanted to write about love for a couple of reasons but this quote from a blog that I follow really started to bring some thoughts into focus. If you have a chance, go out to this site. It's all about this amazing family and their struggles with living life and about loving. This quote is prompted by a book, but the application of the question it brings up is far reaching. Why would I give my heart to a stranger? http://lajoyfamily.blogspot.com/

"There is an experience unique to adoptive parents, I think, in that we literally do give our hearts to strangers.We all intentionally put ourselves in a position of incredible vulnerability as we approach a child and make a lifelong commitment to them long before we really even know them. It is a reciprocal act, as the child does the exact same thing, and both parties hope desperately to be accepted, to be bound together by the invisible bonds of love that sometimes take years to braid together into a strong cord."

I've never really discussed my thoughts on adoption or my reasons for wanting to adopt with anyone - except dear hubby - (ok well as my family knows, I rarely discuss my thoughts in depth on any topic - just call it a family trait) before. But as it turns out, I truly considered giving my heart to an unknown child many many many years ago. I have never thought of that "child" as a stranger although by the definition of international adoption that's what the child is to everything: family, culture, geography, history.

I have generally have made decisions that just seemed right for me. Sometimes things work out well and sometimes they don't work out so well but I always learn from them. When I was in college (or rather returned to college), I met a Romanian couple who had three children. I was an English writing tutor of sorts to the mom. Both parents were in their mid 50's and the kids were early teens. For some reason, I felt so close to them that I just decided that one day I would like to adopt from Romania. That was the end of the subject for the most part for many many years for many many reasons. I did look into adoption, both domestic and international, but by the time it was an option, Romania was long closed to international adoption.

When the opportunity presented itself to move forward, I looked into the possibilities, discussed the options for various programs and ultimately chose Ukraine as a best fit for us. Ukraine was our learning curve. We did all the steps necessary to get there. The paperwork is/was horrendous but we did it and I became confident in doing it. The process is not easy and we had several bumps along the way that really tested our resolve. We ultimately persevered, completed the paperwork, sent it off, and...three weeks later the country changed their laws...sort of, maybe, likely, probably, know one knew for sure....in the end they changed the game to knock us out of it requiring us to basically start over. I remember getting the confirmation that we could no longer go that route. It's a terrible loss. All the hope, the stress, the desire, the sweat, the tears, the fights, all come crashing down on you when you realize that it's not going to happen. It's a loss either way you look at it that something you so deeply desire just isn't going to happen. It's painful. And then well, life has to go on and you have to figure out where to go from there.

For us, almost simultaneously with this revelation of our country of choice, we relocated. In the international adoption world this is tricky so we took a hiatus and re-evaluated our options, some of which didn't pan out either. Until, I just said, I had to go back to what I believed was best for us and that was international adoption. It was now 18 months later. So, I began researching the options again. This time, though, I was more educated. We chose Kazakhstan for various reasons and decided on an agency. An agency which turned us down. What????

So, now onto the 2nd and 3rd choices which came down to really two different approaches. Each had pros and cons. All along we had assumed that we would end up adopting a child close to the age of 4 to 6. We aren't spring chickens and just thought it would be a good fit for our family. We thought it would be more favorable for us making the process faster. However, comfort with the 3rd program itself, the longevity, success, timeline, and knowledge of those at the agency won out. This required us to consider a whole new path though. A path to having a very young child. We really had to wrap our head around that one with respect to adoption.

We decided. We took a leap and were at it again. I have to admit that doing the paperwork the second time was a breeze. I knew what to ask for, where to go, what needed to be done, how to research things, and also to NOT send everything overnight! The post office may be losing money but I can GUARANTEE you, the post office makes beau coup bucks off of adoptive families. Thus began the carrying of the infamous folder for the next 12 months! Ask any international adoption family and someone will have the "folder" with them at all times "just in case" something else is needed or needs to be updated.

We had scares through the process. We had ALL our paperwork filed and were just waiting to submit to the MOE when my passport was stolen. We had to redo some paperwork with the updated passport number. This led to a delay of submitting paperwork to the embassy which was subsequently followed by a moving of the offices in country....really can anything smoothly? My father-in-law became very ill. What happens if we get the invitation to travel and he's still in the hospital? What happens if we postpone? What happens if we don't? What happens if he dies while we are half-way around the world?

What happened was, when we got the invitation to travel all those delays, frustrations, tears, money (oh yeah the money for both countries and everything else in between), ultimately resolved themselves to let us find the child we had long ago committed to loving even though he was a "stranger."

How did this all play out?

We signed our agency contract April 10, 2009. On March 29, 2010 three children came into the music room at the orphanage in Karaganda, one at a time. The first was a cute little girl aged 7 months, the second, a big blue eyed little boy aged 7 months, and the third?

Well, he came in, smiled at me as soon as they brought him in the door, and the "stranger" that had been in my heart and my mind and loved for decades suddenly came home. No doubts whatsoever this little boy was  and is our son.

I read so many people cautioning against making an emotional decision but honestly, it wasn't emotional. He just was our son. Period. (Okay, well I did cry but after so much you would, too, plus we were really really tired and stressed out.)

So how did all those delays and frustrations play into this occurrence?

1) Our son wasn't born until 2009, long after we had started the process so Ukraine's changes turned out to be beneficial as did our moving. It delayed our process just long enough for him to be born. It seems that Ukraine was just our proving ground for commitment.

2) The delay over the passport, embassy, and MOE put us in Kaz exactly as our son came off the registry allowing him to be eligible for international adoption. Any earlier or later and he wouldn't have been ours.

3) My father-in-law passed away two weeks before our invitation to travel arrived making the entire subject moot. We mourn that they will not have the chance to meet but our son will learn about him and we know he would have been very happy for us and proud to have H as a grandson.

4) If we had gone with agency #2, we would never have had the opportunity to go to his region or meet him as they didn't work in the same region or with such young children.

5) If we had gone with our first choice of an agency we would have still been waiting for an invitation to travel. Kaz closed to international adoption May 2010. We adopted our son April 19, 2010.
Faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love. Even love given long into the future for a stranger unknown yet not unknown.