Touch

Love is real , real is love
Love is feeling , feeling love
Love is wanting to be loved
Love is touch, touch is love
Love is reaching, reaching love
Love is asking to be loved
Love is you
You and me
Love is knowing
we can be
Love is free, free is love
Love is living, living love
Love is needed to be loved

by John Lennon

From the first moment I had H in my permanent physical possession, I have tried to create a sense of comfort and love with touch. The very first night he went to sleep in the hotel room crib, I spent quite a while rubbing his back gently and slowly. That was just over two years ago. He was never one for much rocking or putting on lotion so every night when I laid him down in his crib, I would rub his back. Now that he no longer sleeps in his crib (or in his bed for that matter) I make a point to rub his back whenever I get a chance. H has never commented on it but seems to accept it.

H has never been a cuddler. He has never been eager to give hugs or kisses. He will occasionally pat me or touch me but he's generally not a touchy feely kid. I am sure this is part personality and part early life in an orphanage when no one just picks you up and holds you just because. It wasn't because they weren't cared for but the workers just didn't have the time. So, H never really developed a sense of just cuddling. These days he does, however, want to sit next to me or his daddy on the couch when we watch his movies. He is willing to be picked up and will hold onto me when I do so. He will occassionally hold onto my arm or leg and say "You're stuuuuuck." He will hover and hide around my legs when he is being shy or unsure of a situation. He understands physical closeness but doesn't always have a need to express it.

For some reason last night, H woke up crying incessantly and could not get back to sleep. I laid on the floor with him in his room but he just squirmed and was restless. When I tried the usual routine of just laying there for a while and then softly announcing I would be returning to my room, I was met with wails. Eventually, not wanting to sleep o the floor, I asked him if he wanted to sleep with me in my room and he acquiesced. We have a king bed. I laid him down on Daddy's side and covered him up thinking he would have plenty of room to squirm. No sooner than I had climbed in my side that H suctioned up to me. He still squirmed and tossed for a while - longer than I did as I finally fell asleep. H's one form of physical comfort is to rub his feet against me - usually my legs just to make sure I am still there. As you can imagine, it is not necessarily easy to fall asleep with the occasional foot being routinely shoved against you. Oh well, I take it for what it is meant to be - most of the time.

Tonight, H would not settle down for bed. At first he cried and fussed and wanted to sleep with me again. Ummm...no. We did our routine, book, banana, Skye with Daddy, music, lights out, lay down, and leave. What came next was 30 minutes of crying, whining, fussing and going back and forth between his room and my room. I would follow him back to his room, stand outside the door, and talk quietly, then firmly, then authoritatively, then a few "I'm going to have to put toys away" comments. Finally, it became clear he wasn't going to settle down on his own. I gave in and laid down with him again to try to get him to sleep. He was still crying and sniffling. After a minute or two of laying down with him he requested "Mommy, rub my back." Understand this is only the second time he has ever asked for me to do that. The first time was just a couple of days ago laying in the bed with me in the morning - that story was part of my epic blog that was eaten by the cyber ghost at 4 am and never made it to publication.

Anyhow, he was laying on his back so I just lightly rubbed his tummy, side, and chest for awhile. He became calmer. The cries subsided. He settled down. After a few minutes of rubbing, he took my hand and just held it until he fell sound asleep. Do you know, at that moment I began paying attention to the music playing in the background and it was the song above. It was "Love is touch, touch is love" to be exact.