When you design little boys underwear, please remember NOT to put the BIG picture of the character on the butt. My son insists on wearing his underwear backwards so he can see it.
When you design shoes with characters, remember NOT to put the picture on the OUTSIDE of the shoe. My son insists on wearing his shoes on the opposite feet so he can see the picture all day.
Every store we enter has plenty of GIRL'S purple clothes. I have found ONE purple T-shirt. Purple can be an appropriate boy color. How about some more purple shirts. My son can dig through his shirt drawer and find his purple shirt no matter how buried it is. Did you know purple goes with EVERY color? Just ask my son any day of the week when he pairs his shirt with whatever comes out of the shorts drawer first. And yes, I have one the next size up so when this one wears out at least I will have a replacement.
When you design pants or shorts remember there's a whole plethora of skinny lanky kids out there. Please do NOT design draw string pants where the draw string is merely "decorative."
When you design sports balls pajamas, remember to INLCUDE baseballs, too. I'm not sure I can hear one more time "Mommy, where baseballs go?"
Oh, and before I go, I do want to thank you for redesigning the Lightning McQueen pullups to include Lightning on BOTH designs. I no longer have a closet full of Maters.
Sincerely,
Mom to skinny lanky sports train Cars purple lovin' boy.
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Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Daddy's Mailbox
H is becoming more aware and more able to convey his feelings verbally every day. That is a pretty good thing. It helps that he now can tell us "I feel better, mommy" enthusiatically after eating. He can recognize when he feels "not right" and can help us on the path to discovering ways to deal with those moments.
H has a set of little balls that came with a three tiered switch back track. There was a wonderful thrift store close to our house in OH that often had great and "older" toys. I got GREAT things there and we have more to pull out over the next couple of years. However, a few of these balls have faces on them: happy, surprise, mad/angry, and one I'm not sure what to label. Anyhow, I have been working with H to mimic faces. Our favorite of course is "surprise!" This allows him to associate facial expressions with feelings and can help him learn to "read" other people better. I'm not sure I would have thought much about this but for two things. First, as a step-mom to a child who doesn't read facial expressions well if at all, it's become important. Second, I read not so long ago that sometimes you have to teach a child to look at someone's face (or something along those lines - can't remember exactly now.) Besides, we are having fun mimicing faces back and forth and H now makes his own faces to me and states his desired emotions at random (overwhelming majority is "surprise" with a few few "happy" thrown in for good measure.)
We are also learning that it's possible to have more than one feeling at a time. Case in point, one of our cats wandered off a few weeks ago (again.) He/cat did this after Christmas and we made a point of telling H "Mommy and Daddy were sad because Howie wasn't home." So this time, sometimes out of the blue, H says "Mommy sad?" I tell him, no, I'm not sad but then I have to stop and think about it because it's usually while I am doing some rather inane activity such as driving to or from his school. I realize he's talking about Howie and when asked he confirms it. So, we discuss the ability to be both sad and happy at the same time over different things.
Tonight, H was having a particularly whiny cry"ey" evening outside playing which is a bit unusual. It's getting quite warm here and we still like to be outside quite a bit which he usually enjoys.
Side bar here, yesterday my son was SO STINKING CUTE he could have been a catalog picture. It's true, he was dressed in gray cotton pull on pants with a dark blue and gray tank top and a dark blue and white flowered hat he was willing to wear instead of a baseball hat since it was so bright outside. He was MATCHING! And, of course, he was running around lovin' life but of course by the time I thought I could go get a camera, he was off digging in the dirt. C'est la vie! Needless to say every bit of him needed a bath from that point on until he actually received one last night.
Back to the point of the post. I finally asked "H, are you sad?"
"Yes, Mommy, yes."
"H why are you sad?" (cry sniffle whine)
"H are you sad because Daddy had to go to the airport?"
"Yes, mommy." (sniffle sniffle cry)
Heart breaking....
See, lately, it's becoming more apparent that H realizes Daddy is gone during the week. He knows where he is and where he's staying but up to the last few weeks, it hasn't really seemed to register as a problem but more of a fact of the situation. H has started throwing "mini" fits when Daddy calls and refuses to talk to him. H sometimes has a major meltdown when Daddy heads to his car without him - even if it's just to put it back in the driveway after parking along the street.
So, I was quite proud when Daddy called later in the evening while we were on the couch reading a book. "H you want to talk to Daddy?" "Uh-huh."
First thing he said: "I sad Daddy not here."
Daddy's heart breaking...."Yes, it makes me sad, too. I miss you."
"I wuv you Daddy." "I love you, too, H."
(And then note that the conversation is now over. H has said his piece and now the world can go on which means he's done talking on the phone - I seriously doubt he will talk on the phone for hours with friends.)
H has taking to turning on his "puter" at night and sitting at his table made by his Daddy on a stool with his name on it. He "works" diligently typing away at his "puter" before we go to bed. Yes, he's imitating Daddy who spends much time typing on his computer.
So, tonight, when H said he wanted to turn his "puter" on, I said "we can send Daddy an email telling him you love him." "Okay, okay, Mommy, okay. I send sumthin' to Daddy's mailbox."
H has a set of little balls that came with a three tiered switch back track. There was a wonderful thrift store close to our house in OH that often had great and "older" toys. I got GREAT things there and we have more to pull out over the next couple of years. However, a few of these balls have faces on them: happy, surprise, mad/angry, and one I'm not sure what to label. Anyhow, I have been working with H to mimic faces. Our favorite of course is "surprise!" This allows him to associate facial expressions with feelings and can help him learn to "read" other people better. I'm not sure I would have thought much about this but for two things. First, as a step-mom to a child who doesn't read facial expressions well if at all, it's become important. Second, I read not so long ago that sometimes you have to teach a child to look at someone's face (or something along those lines - can't remember exactly now.) Besides, we are having fun mimicing faces back and forth and H now makes his own faces to me and states his desired emotions at random (overwhelming majority is "surprise" with a few few "happy" thrown in for good measure.)
We are also learning that it's possible to have more than one feeling at a time. Case in point, one of our cats wandered off a few weeks ago (again.) He/cat did this after Christmas and we made a point of telling H "Mommy and Daddy were sad because Howie wasn't home." So this time, sometimes out of the blue, H says "Mommy sad?" I tell him, no, I'm not sad but then I have to stop and think about it because it's usually while I am doing some rather inane activity such as driving to or from his school. I realize he's talking about Howie and when asked he confirms it. So, we discuss the ability to be both sad and happy at the same time over different things.
Tonight, H was having a particularly whiny cry"ey" evening outside playing which is a bit unusual. It's getting quite warm here and we still like to be outside quite a bit which he usually enjoys.
Side bar here, yesterday my son was SO STINKING CUTE he could have been a catalog picture. It's true, he was dressed in gray cotton pull on pants with a dark blue and gray tank top and a dark blue and white flowered hat he was willing to wear instead of a baseball hat since it was so bright outside. He was MATCHING! And, of course, he was running around lovin' life but of course by the time I thought I could go get a camera, he was off digging in the dirt. C'est la vie! Needless to say every bit of him needed a bath from that point on until he actually received one last night.
Back to the point of the post. I finally asked "H, are you sad?"
"Yes, Mommy, yes."
"H why are you sad?" (cry sniffle whine)
"H are you sad because Daddy had to go to the airport?"
"Yes, mommy." (sniffle sniffle cry)
Heart breaking....
See, lately, it's becoming more apparent that H realizes Daddy is gone during the week. He knows where he is and where he's staying but up to the last few weeks, it hasn't really seemed to register as a problem but more of a fact of the situation. H has started throwing "mini" fits when Daddy calls and refuses to talk to him. H sometimes has a major meltdown when Daddy heads to his car without him - even if it's just to put it back in the driveway after parking along the street.
So, I was quite proud when Daddy called later in the evening while we were on the couch reading a book. "H you want to talk to Daddy?" "Uh-huh."
First thing he said: "I sad Daddy not here."
Daddy's heart breaking...."Yes, it makes me sad, too. I miss you."
"I wuv you Daddy." "I love you, too, H."
(And then note that the conversation is now over. H has said his piece and now the world can go on which means he's done talking on the phone - I seriously doubt he will talk on the phone for hours with friends.)
H has taking to turning on his "puter" at night and sitting at his table made by his Daddy on a stool with his name on it. He "works" diligently typing away at his "puter" before we go to bed. Yes, he's imitating Daddy who spends much time typing on his computer.
So, tonight, when H said he wanted to turn his "puter" on, I said "we can send Daddy an email telling him you love him." "Okay, okay, Mommy, okay. I send sumthin' to Daddy's mailbox."
Monday, April 30, 2012
Thank Goodness for Modern Technology
I am not one of those moms that said my child would NEVER watch tv. We rarely watch tv BUT, for a while at our NEOH house, we didn't have cable for the last month we lived there and only got ONE channel - the scrolling TV Guide Channel. Do you know how desperate you seem when you need a little down time and are willing to just watch it even though it has tons of interference? Moving on....
When H arrived home, we would sit and have his last bottle while we watched some show that was typically low key. It was one of those rare times when all three of us were able to sit down and relax together. Sometimes he would play oblivious to the tv behind him. We usually watched something like House Hunters, Pawn Stars, or Myth Busters (dependendent upon who had the remote control...)
As he got older and we progressed beyond the last bottle, we no longer had the opportunity to sit quietly together and we (meaning the parents) lamented the passing of the opportunity to spend some quiet time together. H didn't really begin to show interest in television until he was about two. I know that occassionally at his Ohio daycare, he would watch movies with the kids whose parents picked them up between 5-6. Most often, he would be sitting in some older girl's lap just happy to have the attention and quiet time. He never mentioned the shows or stated any preference for watching tv. I tried once last July on a car trip to TN to show a Bob the Builder cartoon to him on the computer. He really had no interest.
By the time we moved south, he started becoming more interested in television. We, as a family, do not watch much tv. This is mostly because we aren't home all together very often and we just don't have time. Secondly, it's because we really don't want H to WANT to watch tv much. In fact, we never watch a television show with him. However, sometime last fall, we decided (on a trip to Sam's - H's favorite place - the place he took me to in his imaginary giant dump truck this morning in fact - as it was showing on their tv's) to purchase Cars. I think I have now watched Cars at least 4 dozen times. Did you know if you turn on the subtext, you can catch a lot of the humor aimed at the adults that you might otherwise miss??? We have watched Cars from beginning to end, from certain scenes to the end, and from the beginning to only to certain points in the movie. He knows the movie. I usually try to engage him through out the movie so we can talk about what's happening or who is doing what. It's rarely just sitting slack jawed in front of the tv. I have to say fortunately the only thing he quotes is "I am speed." Cars has given us the opportunity to have a little down time while I fix dinner. I fix and he "chills out" after a busy day at school. This kid never stops. He's not ADD; he's just active. So, some days he just really needs that down time and I'm ok with watching a bit of tv for that. Fortunately, we haven't watched it as much lately so the interest is there but it seems the obsession is subsiding.
We now watch five DVDs: Cars, one Little People, one Trucks Trucks Trucks, one Bob the Builder, and the latest edition, Chugginton. While we have a few other kid themed options, these are the only ones we feel are appropriate at this age. Oh, and Cars 2? H doesn't get who all these new cars are and has no interest in watching it. Just another example of a movie sequel that would have been better never made : )
Chugginton is a BBC kids show that has only recently been available on DVD. I read a review about it the other night that had a warning "BEWARE THE THEME SONG!" They weren't kidding it's playing in my head now. It's not a bad song, it's just one of those that gets stuck in your head and takes a looooooooooooonnnnnngggggggggg time to go away and just when you think it has, it suddenly replays over and over.
Anyhow, it was the one I felt most comfortable with when I was looking for something new and readily available last Tuesday when I purchased a car portable DVD player....
Yes, I have become one of THOSE parents. WHY? Well, unfortunately, best laid plans for a babysitter while I spent three hours on the road going to and from the bigger city in LA fell through. H is now to the age where he is getting antsy when we have to drive more than a 1/2 hour in the car. Living here, there's nothing within 1/2 hour. If we leave town it's going to be for a minimum of 1 1/2 hours one way. In addition, it was just the two of us. We usually do well if I can sit in the back and keep H occupied but that wasn't an option this time.
So, I tried Target first - easy to get into, easy to get out of, but no luck. I began to think maybe they didn't make them anymore (so not up on the latest technology.) Next on the way - Best Buy - you know the store that all the news is saying won't be around much longer. Well, thank goodness for BB.I was in and out of there in 10 minutes with new DVD player and DVD in hand.
It turned out to be a really good thing. It kept him occupied but not too occupied. He still had the presence of mind to interact with me every so often. He could even work the buttons on his own if it did something funky. The downside? Now H thinks he should get to watch movies every time we get into my car (for the 6 mile trip to "school", to the 2 mile trip to Sam's, etc.)
So, all in all we are ok with this purchase. Next time we have a road trip, we'll be ready to ride and maybe, just maybe, I can get some reading done or even take a nap.
When H arrived home, we would sit and have his last bottle while we watched some show that was typically low key. It was one of those rare times when all three of us were able to sit down and relax together. Sometimes he would play oblivious to the tv behind him. We usually watched something like House Hunters, Pawn Stars, or Myth Busters (dependendent upon who had the remote control...)
As he got older and we progressed beyond the last bottle, we no longer had the opportunity to sit quietly together and we (meaning the parents) lamented the passing of the opportunity to spend some quiet time together. H didn't really begin to show interest in television until he was about two. I know that occassionally at his Ohio daycare, he would watch movies with the kids whose parents picked them up between 5-6. Most often, he would be sitting in some older girl's lap just happy to have the attention and quiet time. He never mentioned the shows or stated any preference for watching tv. I tried once last July on a car trip to TN to show a Bob the Builder cartoon to him on the computer. He really had no interest.
By the time we moved south, he started becoming more interested in television. We, as a family, do not watch much tv. This is mostly because we aren't home all together very often and we just don't have time. Secondly, it's because we really don't want H to WANT to watch tv much. In fact, we never watch a television show with him. However, sometime last fall, we decided (on a trip to Sam's - H's favorite place - the place he took me to in his imaginary giant dump truck this morning in fact - as it was showing on their tv's) to purchase Cars. I think I have now watched Cars at least 4 dozen times. Did you know if you turn on the subtext, you can catch a lot of the humor aimed at the adults that you might otherwise miss??? We have watched Cars from beginning to end, from certain scenes to the end, and from the beginning to only to certain points in the movie. He knows the movie. I usually try to engage him through out the movie so we can talk about what's happening or who is doing what. It's rarely just sitting slack jawed in front of the tv. I have to say fortunately the only thing he quotes is "I am speed." Cars has given us the opportunity to have a little down time while I fix dinner. I fix and he "chills out" after a busy day at school. This kid never stops. He's not ADD; he's just active. So, some days he just really needs that down time and I'm ok with watching a bit of tv for that. Fortunately, we haven't watched it as much lately so the interest is there but it seems the obsession is subsiding.
We now watch five DVDs: Cars, one Little People, one Trucks Trucks Trucks, one Bob the Builder, and the latest edition, Chugginton. While we have a few other kid themed options, these are the only ones we feel are appropriate at this age. Oh, and Cars 2? H doesn't get who all these new cars are and has no interest in watching it. Just another example of a movie sequel that would have been better never made : )
Chugginton is a BBC kids show that has only recently been available on DVD. I read a review about it the other night that had a warning "BEWARE THE THEME SONG!" They weren't kidding it's playing in my head now. It's not a bad song, it's just one of those that gets stuck in your head and takes a looooooooooooonnnnnngggggggggg time to go away and just when you think it has, it suddenly replays over and over.
Anyhow, it was the one I felt most comfortable with when I was looking for something new and readily available last Tuesday when I purchased a car portable DVD player....
Yes, I have become one of THOSE parents. WHY? Well, unfortunately, best laid plans for a babysitter while I spent three hours on the road going to and from the bigger city in LA fell through. H is now to the age where he is getting antsy when we have to drive more than a 1/2 hour in the car. Living here, there's nothing within 1/2 hour. If we leave town it's going to be for a minimum of 1 1/2 hours one way. In addition, it was just the two of us. We usually do well if I can sit in the back and keep H occupied but that wasn't an option this time.
So, I tried Target first - easy to get into, easy to get out of, but no luck. I began to think maybe they didn't make them anymore (so not up on the latest technology.) Next on the way - Best Buy - you know the store that all the news is saying won't be around much longer. Well, thank goodness for BB.I was in and out of there in 10 minutes with new DVD player and DVD in hand.
It turned out to be a really good thing. It kept him occupied but not too occupied. He still had the presence of mind to interact with me every so often. He could even work the buttons on his own if it did something funky. The downside? Now H thinks he should get to watch movies every time we get into my car (for the 6 mile trip to "school", to the 2 mile trip to Sam's, etc.)
So, all in all we are ok with this purchase. Next time we have a road trip, we'll be ready to ride and maybe, just maybe, I can get some reading done or even take a nap.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Teenage Drama....Oh Wait, He's only 2GO3!
It's been crazy around here the last couple of weeks. Just when I think I can take a breather, the next thing happens. It is clear that H is on to the next stage of development. For the life of me, I cannot remember ever reading or having ANYONE tell me that the days of eye rolling, disgust, yelling, and being wrong more often than not begin before my son is even out of his twos. A fellow Kaz adoptive Mom and fellow blogger used the terminology "threenager." We are so there.
"Okay, okay, Mom, Okay." (Eye roll....)
"No, mom, not cattle, those are cows."
This morning during our short lived snuggle time "Mom you're eyes are brown." "Yes, H, they are brown." (Pleasantly surprised he notices as he's always been very observant but not so verbal.) "What color are your eyes?"
"Blue."
"Your eyes are actually Hazel." "No, blue." "Did they tell you at school they were blue?" "Yes."
"What color are daddy's eyes? Are your eyes the same color as Daddy's?" "Blue."
"No, mom, not nightime, naptime."
"No, mom, not shirt, jacket."
"No, mom, not sandals, shoes."
"No, mom, not red, blue."
On and on it goes. Now, don't get me wrong, I think it's great he's becoming quite verbal and has a pretty good vocabulary. We are encouraging that. I am not a fan of being corrected everytime I let slip with something that my tired part-time single mom, full-time working mom, all the time busy mom brain gets addled around.
Even more exciting is the hitting, spitting, kicking, throwing, pinching, yelling, pouting, (no words just yelling loudly) when he doesn't get to do what he wants to do.
This from the child that the daycare just commented "We understand why you were so worried about the other provider not calling when he cried. He's SOOOOO GOOOOD he's helpful and kind. He never has to sit in the office."
Oh, I almost forgot to mention, he's eating nonstop. I thought we would have at least 10 years before that behavior kicked in....good thing his older brother isn't here, too, or we'd be at the grocery store everyday.
Can someone tell me what comes next since it appears we skipped ages 3-14?
"Okay, okay, Mom, Okay." (Eye roll....)
"No, mom, not cattle, those are cows."
This morning during our short lived snuggle time "Mom you're eyes are brown." "Yes, H, they are brown." (Pleasantly surprised he notices as he's always been very observant but not so verbal.) "What color are your eyes?"
"Blue."
"Your eyes are actually Hazel." "No, blue." "Did they tell you at school they were blue?" "Yes."
"What color are daddy's eyes? Are your eyes the same color as Daddy's?" "Blue."
"No, mom, not nightime, naptime."
"No, mom, not shirt, jacket."
"No, mom, not sandals, shoes."
"No, mom, not red, blue."
On and on it goes. Now, don't get me wrong, I think it's great he's becoming quite verbal and has a pretty good vocabulary. We are encouraging that. I am not a fan of being corrected everytime I let slip with something that my tired part-time single mom, full-time working mom, all the time busy mom brain gets addled around.
Even more exciting is the hitting, spitting, kicking, throwing, pinching, yelling, pouting, (no words just yelling loudly) when he doesn't get to do what he wants to do.
This from the child that the daycare just commented "We understand why you were so worried about the other provider not calling when he cried. He's SOOOOO GOOOOD he's helpful and kind. He never has to sit in the office."
Oh, I almost forgot to mention, he's eating nonstop. I thought we would have at least 10 years before that behavior kicked in....good thing his older brother isn't here, too, or we'd be at the grocery store everyday.
Can someone tell me what comes next since it appears we skipped ages 3-14?
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Love in the Future
I wanted to write about love for a couple of reasons but this quote from a blog that I follow really started to bring some thoughts into focus. If you have a chance, go out to this site. It's all about this amazing family and their struggles with living life and about loving. This quote is prompted by a book, but the application of the question it brings up is far reaching. Why would I give my heart to a stranger? http://lajoyfamily.blogspot.com/
"There is an experience unique to adoptive parents, I think, in that we literally do give our hearts to strangers.We all intentionally put ourselves in a position of incredible vulnerability as we approach a child and make a lifelong commitment to them long before we really even know them. It is a reciprocal act, as the child does the exact same thing, and both parties hope desperately to be accepted, to be bound together by the invisible bonds of love that sometimes take years to braid together into a strong cord."
I've never really discussed my thoughts on adoption or my reasons for wanting to adopt with anyone - except dear hubby - (ok well as my family knows, I rarely discuss my thoughts in depth on any topic - just call it a family trait) before. But as it turns out, I truly considered giving my heart to an unknown child many many many years ago. I have never thought of that "child" as a stranger although by the definition of international adoption that's what the child is to everything: family, culture, geography, history.
I have generally have made decisions that just seemed right for me. Sometimes things work out well and sometimes they don't work out so well but I always learn from them. When I was in college (or rather returned to college), I met a Romanian couple who had three children. I was an English writing tutor of sorts to the mom. Both parents were in their mid 50's and the kids were early teens. For some reason, I felt so close to them that I just decided that one day I would like to adopt from Romania. That was the end of the subject for the most part for many many years for many many reasons. I did look into adoption, both domestic and international, but by the time it was an option, Romania was long closed to international adoption.
When the opportunity presented itself to move forward, I looked into the possibilities, discussed the options for various programs and ultimately chose Ukraine as a best fit for us. Ukraine was our learning curve. We did all the steps necessary to get there. The paperwork is/was horrendous but we did it and I became confident in doing it. The process is not easy and we had several bumps along the way that really tested our resolve. We ultimately persevered, completed the paperwork, sent it off, and...three weeks later the country changed their laws...sort of, maybe, likely, probably, know one knew for sure....in the end they changed the game to knock us out of it requiring us to basically start over. I remember getting the confirmation that we could no longer go that route. It's a terrible loss. All the hope, the stress, the desire, the sweat, the tears, the fights, all come crashing down on you when you realize that it's not going to happen. It's a loss either way you look at it that something you so deeply desire just isn't going to happen. It's painful. And then well, life has to go on and you have to figure out where to go from there.
For us, almost simultaneously with this revelation of our country of choice, we relocated. In the international adoption world this is tricky so we took a hiatus and re-evaluated our options, some of which didn't pan out either. Until, I just said, I had to go back to what I believed was best for us and that was international adoption. It was now 18 months later. So, I began researching the options again. This time, though, I was more educated. We chose Kazakhstan for various reasons and decided on an agency. An agency which turned us down. What????
So, now onto the 2nd and 3rd choices which came down to really two different approaches. Each had pros and cons. All along we had assumed that we would end up adopting a child close to the age of 4 to 6. We aren't spring chickens and just thought it would be a good fit for our family. We thought it would be more favorable for us making the process faster. However, comfort with the 3rd program itself, the longevity, success, timeline, and knowledge of those at the agency won out. This required us to consider a whole new path though. A path to having a very young child. We really had to wrap our head around that one with respect to adoption.
We decided. We took a leap and were at it again. I have to admit that doing the paperwork the second time was a breeze. I knew what to ask for, where to go, what needed to be done, how to research things, and also to NOT send everything overnight! The post office may be losing money but I can GUARANTEE you, the post office makes beau coup bucks off of adoptive families. Thus began the carrying of the infamous folder for the next 12 months! Ask any international adoption family and someone will have the "folder" with them at all times "just in case" something else is needed or needs to be updated.
We had scares through the process. We had ALL our paperwork filed and were just waiting to submit to the MOE when my passport was stolen. We had to redo some paperwork with the updated passport number. This led to a delay of submitting paperwork to the embassy which was subsequently followed by a moving of the offices in country....really can anything smoothly? My father-in-law became very ill. What happens if we get the invitation to travel and he's still in the hospital? What happens if we postpone? What happens if we don't? What happens if he dies while we are half-way around the world?
What happened was, when we got the invitation to travel all those delays, frustrations, tears, money (oh yeah the money for both countries and everything else in between), ultimately resolved themselves to let us find the child we had long ago committed to loving even though he was a "stranger."
How did this all play out?
We signed our agency contract April 10, 2009. On March 29, 2010 three children came into the music room at the orphanage in Karaganda, one at a time. The first was a cute little girl aged 7 months, the second, a big blue eyed little boy aged 7 months, and the third?
Well, he came in, smiled at me as soon as they brought him in the door, and the "stranger" that had been in my heart and my mind and loved for decades suddenly came home. No doubts whatsoever this little boy was and is our son.
I read so many people cautioning against making an emotional decision but honestly, it wasn't emotional. He just was our son. Period. (Okay, well I did cry but after so much you would, too, plus we were really really tired and stressed out.)
So how did all those delays and frustrations play into this occurrence?
1) Our son wasn't born until 2009, long after we had started the process so Ukraine's changes turned out to be beneficial as did our moving. It delayed our process just long enough for him to be born. It seems that Ukraine was just our proving ground for commitment.
2) The delay over the passport, embassy, and MOE put us in Kaz exactly as our son came off the registry allowing him to be eligible for international adoption. Any earlier or later and he wouldn't have been ours.
3) My father-in-law passed away two weeks before our invitation to travel arrived making the entire subject moot. We mourn that they will not have the chance to meet but our son will learn about him and we know he would have been very happy for us and proud to have H as a grandson.
4) If we had gone with agency #2, we would never have had the opportunity to go to his region or meet him as they didn't work in the same region or with such young children.
5) If we had gone with our first choice of an agency we would have still been waiting for an invitation to travel. Kaz closed to international adoption May 2010. We adopted our son April 19, 2010.
Faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love. Even love given long into the future for a stranger unknown yet not unknown.
"There is an experience unique to adoptive parents, I think, in that we literally do give our hearts to strangers.We all intentionally put ourselves in a position of incredible vulnerability as we approach a child and make a lifelong commitment to them long before we really even know them. It is a reciprocal act, as the child does the exact same thing, and both parties hope desperately to be accepted, to be bound together by the invisible bonds of love that sometimes take years to braid together into a strong cord."
I've never really discussed my thoughts on adoption or my reasons for wanting to adopt with anyone - except dear hubby - (ok well as my family knows, I rarely discuss my thoughts in depth on any topic - just call it a family trait) before. But as it turns out, I truly considered giving my heart to an unknown child many many many years ago. I have never thought of that "child" as a stranger although by the definition of international adoption that's what the child is to everything: family, culture, geography, history.
I have generally have made decisions that just seemed right for me. Sometimes things work out well and sometimes they don't work out so well but I always learn from them. When I was in college (or rather returned to college), I met a Romanian couple who had three children. I was an English writing tutor of sorts to the mom. Both parents were in their mid 50's and the kids were early teens. For some reason, I felt so close to them that I just decided that one day I would like to adopt from Romania. That was the end of the subject for the most part for many many years for many many reasons. I did look into adoption, both domestic and international, but by the time it was an option, Romania was long closed to international adoption.
When the opportunity presented itself to move forward, I looked into the possibilities, discussed the options for various programs and ultimately chose Ukraine as a best fit for us. Ukraine was our learning curve. We did all the steps necessary to get there. The paperwork is/was horrendous but we did it and I became confident in doing it. The process is not easy and we had several bumps along the way that really tested our resolve. We ultimately persevered, completed the paperwork, sent it off, and...three weeks later the country changed their laws...sort of, maybe, likely, probably, know one knew for sure....in the end they changed the game to knock us out of it requiring us to basically start over. I remember getting the confirmation that we could no longer go that route. It's a terrible loss. All the hope, the stress, the desire, the sweat, the tears, the fights, all come crashing down on you when you realize that it's not going to happen. It's a loss either way you look at it that something you so deeply desire just isn't going to happen. It's painful. And then well, life has to go on and you have to figure out where to go from there.
For us, almost simultaneously with this revelation of our country of choice, we relocated. In the international adoption world this is tricky so we took a hiatus and re-evaluated our options, some of which didn't pan out either. Until, I just said, I had to go back to what I believed was best for us and that was international adoption. It was now 18 months later. So, I began researching the options again. This time, though, I was more educated. We chose Kazakhstan for various reasons and decided on an agency. An agency which turned us down. What????
So, now onto the 2nd and 3rd choices which came down to really two different approaches. Each had pros and cons. All along we had assumed that we would end up adopting a child close to the age of 4 to 6. We aren't spring chickens and just thought it would be a good fit for our family. We thought it would be more favorable for us making the process faster. However, comfort with the 3rd program itself, the longevity, success, timeline, and knowledge of those at the agency won out. This required us to consider a whole new path though. A path to having a very young child. We really had to wrap our head around that one with respect to adoption.
We decided. We took a leap and were at it again. I have to admit that doing the paperwork the second time was a breeze. I knew what to ask for, where to go, what needed to be done, how to research things, and also to NOT send everything overnight! The post office may be losing money but I can GUARANTEE you, the post office makes beau coup bucks off of adoptive families. Thus began the carrying of the infamous folder for the next 12 months! Ask any international adoption family and someone will have the "folder" with them at all times "just in case" something else is needed or needs to be updated.
We had scares through the process. We had ALL our paperwork filed and were just waiting to submit to the MOE when my passport was stolen. We had to redo some paperwork with the updated passport number. This led to a delay of submitting paperwork to the embassy which was subsequently followed by a moving of the offices in country....really can anything smoothly? My father-in-law became very ill. What happens if we get the invitation to travel and he's still in the hospital? What happens if we postpone? What happens if we don't? What happens if he dies while we are half-way around the world?
What happened was, when we got the invitation to travel all those delays, frustrations, tears, money (oh yeah the money for both countries and everything else in between), ultimately resolved themselves to let us find the child we had long ago committed to loving even though he was a "stranger."
How did this all play out?
We signed our agency contract April 10, 2009. On March 29, 2010 three children came into the music room at the orphanage in Karaganda, one at a time. The first was a cute little girl aged 7 months, the second, a big blue eyed little boy aged 7 months, and the third?
Well, he came in, smiled at me as soon as they brought him in the door, and the "stranger" that had been in my heart and my mind and loved for decades suddenly came home. No doubts whatsoever this little boy was and is our son.
I read so many people cautioning against making an emotional decision but honestly, it wasn't emotional. He just was our son. Period. (Okay, well I did cry but after so much you would, too, plus we were really really tired and stressed out.)
So how did all those delays and frustrations play into this occurrence?
1) Our son wasn't born until 2009, long after we had started the process so Ukraine's changes turned out to be beneficial as did our moving. It delayed our process just long enough for him to be born. It seems that Ukraine was just our proving ground for commitment.
2) The delay over the passport, embassy, and MOE put us in Kaz exactly as our son came off the registry allowing him to be eligible for international adoption. Any earlier or later and he wouldn't have been ours.
3) My father-in-law passed away two weeks before our invitation to travel arrived making the entire subject moot. We mourn that they will not have the chance to meet but our son will learn about him and we know he would have been very happy for us and proud to have H as a grandson.
4) If we had gone with agency #2, we would never have had the opportunity to go to his region or meet him as they didn't work in the same region or with such young children.
5) If we had gone with our first choice of an agency we would have still been waiting for an invitation to travel. Kaz closed to international adoption May 2010. We adopted our son April 19, 2010.
Faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love. Even love given long into the future for a stranger unknown yet not unknown.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Resilience
H has never had trouble sleeping through the night. Getting to sleep? Well, that's another story. The first week he was home, he was off time schedule by a half day. I slept in his room on the floor. He would occasionally wake up and groggily make noise until I told him it was ok. Once he got his days and nights straightened out, though, things took a definite downhill turn. H would NOT go to sleep as long as we were with him. In the early days he would scream and cry. No whimpering for my boy but out and out screaming crying. I would rock him, I would hold him, I would sing to him, He would squirm and fight and cry. You are told to try and bond with your child - rubbing, lotion, warm baths, snuggling, rocking, all those things help soothe and attach..well not in our case.
We knew sleep was important. We knew that you weren't supposed to just let your child scream. H didn't know that though and it was tough. We finally had to just resort to putting him down, sitting quietly by his crib for a few minutes or 20 minutes (or longer if I fell asleep long before he did.) It was hard. Man it was hard. We had an unofficial time frame of no going back in for about 20 -25 minutes. Usually when you thought you couldn't take it anymore and he really wasn't going to go to sleep, he would drop off. I'm not sure if it was exhaustion or resignation that we weren't going to keep playing with him but he usually got there.
Our nap routine was similar: put him down, let him scream, hold out hope that it would end shortly, and on the occasion that it didn't, you just give up the good fight and go get him (and pay the consequences for a very tired baby.)
There were odd moments out that H would actually fall asleep during some activity, a night time bottle, a car ride, or a ride in the stroller. Whenever that happens, your only resort is to just let him sleep if at all possible in the position in which he fell asleep. If you attempt to move him, he wakes and screams. He's now had just enough sleep to NOT go back to sleep and not quite enough to have made him feel less tired. If you have to move him, well, you still get the scream fest so as I read not too long ago: don't try to make a happy baby happier....
I am not sure if part of the sleep issues was the unfamiliarity of having someone hold him and be so attentive to him while he was trying to go to sleep or not. It makes sense given the orphanages don't rock the babies to sleep or just carry them around until they fall asleep. No, they are put down at the requisite sleep time and have to learn to settle themselves. The caretakers wouldn't let anyone scream endlessly that we heard but they didn't have the time or the numbers to really settle the babies down individually.
The schedule at the baby house was/is as follows:
6:00 Wake, change babies, bottle of kefir
Back to sleep
9:00 Bathe, change diaper
9:30 Breakfast consisting of bottle, cereal with boiled egg, juice/tea
11:00 Nap
1:00 Lunch consisting of cereal, mashed potato, cottage cheese. All food pureed or ground.
2:00 Nap
4:00 Wake
4:30 Snack consisting of formula, pureed fruit, baby food from jar
7:00 Dinner consisting of any cereal, porridge, or formula
8:00 Bath
9-9:30 Bed
12:00am Formula with cereal
So, you will notice that the most sleep he got when he was very young was six hours. I think the babies usually settled down pretty quickly because they were exhausted!
Of course, things have evolved as H grows older. H began screaming less and less. I began staying shorter and shorter periods of time in his room. Now, our bedtime routine rarely consists of screaming any more. In fact, he has taken to chanting: "eat supper, take a bath, go to bed!"On the flip side, he has ALSO developed other methods of staying awake. He will SQUIRM! He rolls his whole body around on his bed until eventually he's so tired it becomes a hand or a foot that's moving. If you are in the room it's a constant prattle of oddball questions or statements (such as his litany of "I like....") He also has a new tactic that usually entails being unable to locate some object du jour that he has decided to sleep with that night. He will drop it when he lays down and comes to the gate telling me he can't see it. The alternative is he will fall asleep, lose his grip, and wake up enough to realize it's no longer in his hand then come to the gate crying about (fill in the blank.anything ranging from a stuffed animal to a toy car to shoes to .....) Lately with our new friend "Boy" H is constantly pulling Boy's pants down around his ankles which causes H to get upset because he can't pull them back up so we get the gate routine.
After we moved south, H decided he didn't want to sleep in his crib. AHA! I took off the side and it became a toddler bed - all set. Ummm...well, not so much. H refuses to sleep in his physical bed. We tried putting on cute sheets Snoopy sheets with all kinds of balls, laying next to him, cajoling, bribing, putting the mattress on the floor, a different toddler bed. Finally we just accepted the fact that he prefers to sleep on the floor. I have a small special blanket I use that I can easily wash for his "bed." The irony is he loves to play on his real bed - just not sleep in it. Honestly, with all the stuff he sleeps with it's probably better he doesn't sleep in it or we'd hear him telling us something fell off the bed all night, he can't see it, and start crying. It has also made traveling a little easier this way. We don't have to worry about an extra bed.
The screaming still comes into play during weekend naps and there's just not much to be done about that. He will have to continue to outgrow this. We've never been told that he has trouble sleeping at daycare during naptime so I'm sure it's just because he's home with us.
The long discourse on H's sleeping evolution all comes down to last night. It's hard to imagine what goes on in a 2GO3 mind. Last night H woke up crying after a nightmare. This is a rare occurrence but it is distinctly the second time that he's woken up from a nightmare about a "bite." The first middle of the night occurrence was a spider bite. I REALLY thought a live spider had bitten him he was screaming so intensely. H does have a fascination with things biting him....gotta be a boy thing?
Anyway, he woke up screaming - a normal decibel middle of the night scream - and I quickly deduced he had had a nightmare and was able to confirm this as well although I never did figure out what exactly he dreamed had bitten him. He asked me to lay down with him so I did until he settled in. A good 15-20 minutes of flopping around and I told him I was going back to bed. Well, he woke up a couple of more times before finally crashing into his usual "dead-to-the-world" sleep. I anticipated a rough, crying, whining, tired morning.
However, right on schedule (much to my chagrin as I would have like to have slept in a bit)
"Mommy!" (whimper whimper) "I wake up!" (whine whine)
"Ok H, you can wake up." (groggy groggy)
A brief pause....
"Mommy!" (Cheerful and happy???)
"What Santa Claus do?"
We knew sleep was important. We knew that you weren't supposed to just let your child scream. H didn't know that though and it was tough. We finally had to just resort to putting him down, sitting quietly by his crib for a few minutes or 20 minutes (or longer if I fell asleep long before he did.) It was hard. Man it was hard. We had an unofficial time frame of no going back in for about 20 -25 minutes. Usually when you thought you couldn't take it anymore and he really wasn't going to go to sleep, he would drop off. I'm not sure if it was exhaustion or resignation that we weren't going to keep playing with him but he usually got there.
Our nap routine was similar: put him down, let him scream, hold out hope that it would end shortly, and on the occasion that it didn't, you just give up the good fight and go get him (and pay the consequences for a very tired baby.)
There were odd moments out that H would actually fall asleep during some activity, a night time bottle, a car ride, or a ride in the stroller. Whenever that happens, your only resort is to just let him sleep if at all possible in the position in which he fell asleep. If you attempt to move him, he wakes and screams. He's now had just enough sleep to NOT go back to sleep and not quite enough to have made him feel less tired. If you have to move him, well, you still get the scream fest so as I read not too long ago: don't try to make a happy baby happier....
I am not sure if part of the sleep issues was the unfamiliarity of having someone hold him and be so attentive to him while he was trying to go to sleep or not. It makes sense given the orphanages don't rock the babies to sleep or just carry them around until they fall asleep. No, they are put down at the requisite sleep time and have to learn to settle themselves. The caretakers wouldn't let anyone scream endlessly that we heard but they didn't have the time or the numbers to really settle the babies down individually.
The schedule at the baby house was/is as follows:
6:00 Wake, change babies, bottle of kefir
Back to sleep
9:00 Bathe, change diaper
9:30 Breakfast consisting of bottle, cereal with boiled egg, juice/tea
11:00 Nap
1:00 Lunch consisting of cereal, mashed potato, cottage cheese. All food pureed or ground.
2:00 Nap
4:00 Wake
4:30 Snack consisting of formula, pureed fruit, baby food from jar
7:00 Dinner consisting of any cereal, porridge, or formula
8:00 Bath
9-9:30 Bed
12:00am Formula with cereal
So, you will notice that the most sleep he got when he was very young was six hours. I think the babies usually settled down pretty quickly because they were exhausted!
Of course, things have evolved as H grows older. H began screaming less and less. I began staying shorter and shorter periods of time in his room. Now, our bedtime routine rarely consists of screaming any more. In fact, he has taken to chanting: "eat supper, take a bath, go to bed!"On the flip side, he has ALSO developed other methods of staying awake. He will SQUIRM! He rolls his whole body around on his bed until eventually he's so tired it becomes a hand or a foot that's moving. If you are in the room it's a constant prattle of oddball questions or statements (such as his litany of "I like....") He also has a new tactic that usually entails being unable to locate some object du jour that he has decided to sleep with that night. He will drop it when he lays down and comes to the gate telling me he can't see it. The alternative is he will fall asleep, lose his grip, and wake up enough to realize it's no longer in his hand then come to the gate crying about (fill in the blank.anything ranging from a stuffed animal to a toy car to shoes to .....) Lately with our new friend "Boy" H is constantly pulling Boy's pants down around his ankles which causes H to get upset because he can't pull them back up so we get the gate routine.
After we moved south, H decided he didn't want to sleep in his crib. AHA! I took off the side and it became a toddler bed - all set. Ummm...well, not so much. H refuses to sleep in his physical bed. We tried putting on cute sheets Snoopy sheets with all kinds of balls, laying next to him, cajoling, bribing, putting the mattress on the floor, a different toddler bed. Finally we just accepted the fact that he prefers to sleep on the floor. I have a small special blanket I use that I can easily wash for his "bed." The irony is he loves to play on his real bed - just not sleep in it. Honestly, with all the stuff he sleeps with it's probably better he doesn't sleep in it or we'd hear him telling us something fell off the bed all night, he can't see it, and start crying. It has also made traveling a little easier this way. We don't have to worry about an extra bed.
The screaming still comes into play during weekend naps and there's just not much to be done about that. He will have to continue to outgrow this. We've never been told that he has trouble sleeping at daycare during naptime so I'm sure it's just because he's home with us.
The long discourse on H's sleeping evolution all comes down to last night. It's hard to imagine what goes on in a 2GO3 mind. Last night H woke up crying after a nightmare. This is a rare occurrence but it is distinctly the second time that he's woken up from a nightmare about a "bite." The first middle of the night occurrence was a spider bite. I REALLY thought a live spider had bitten him he was screaming so intensely. H does have a fascination with things biting him....gotta be a boy thing?
Anyway, he woke up screaming - a normal decibel middle of the night scream - and I quickly deduced he had had a nightmare and was able to confirm this as well although I never did figure out what exactly he dreamed had bitten him. He asked me to lay down with him so I did until he settled in. A good 15-20 minutes of flopping around and I told him I was going back to bed. Well, he woke up a couple of more times before finally crashing into his usual "dead-to-the-world" sleep. I anticipated a rough, crying, whining, tired morning.
However, right on schedule (much to my chagrin as I would have like to have slept in a bit)
"Mommy!" (whimper whimper) "I wake up!" (whine whine)
"Ok H, you can wake up." (groggy groggy)
A brief pause....
"Mommy!" (Cheerful and happy???)
"What Santa Claus do?"
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Originality
So after H telling me he "likes poop! It's yucky!" last night, I didn't tell you that for the next minute or so he stood as close as I would let him to the litter box and commented every time I scooped...big poop, little poop, big poop. big poop, little poop. Or course this was dependent on the size of the litter ball and poop on the scooper. Well, at least I know he's learning size differentiation!
Our usual in the door routine is set our items down, gather the pet bowls, fill the bowls with food, and feed the cats in this order 1) Howie, 2) Forte, 3) WillHe (in a separate room.) Most days he is happy to help me gather the bowls and get the container out of the lower cabinet. Occasionally, he says he doesn't want to help but I'll have him do a little task and then he'll want to help with the rest. This was one such night. He didn't want to help me feed the cats. He wanted to play in the middle of the kitchen floor. So, I asked him if he would help me get the bowls. "No, mommy already feed the cats." "No, H I didn't feed the cats. Their bowls are right here. Would you help me get the container out of the cupboard?" "Ok, okay Mommy." And then he does a little boy move which cracks me up every single time. What is it about little boys that they have this funny full of themselves way of walking that is a little like the beginning of a breakdance, not quite getting there turns into a pimp walk, with feet slightly dragging, all the while looking incredibly laid back???? It's so hilarious and impossible to describe. I know I'll never get it on video but if you have a little boy, I gather you've encountered the same movements. I've seen my oldest step-son (well into adulthood) and two of my nephews move the exact same way! I try so hard not to laugh.
Sometimes H and I go "shopping" which mostly means I just need time out of the house and we will hit a store (not a lot to choose from around here) and wander around. He is fine with that as long as he gets to look at the sports equipment and toys. We spend a significant amount of time just slowly moving down the aisles while he asks to see certain things. It is 99.99% of the time prefaced with "Yes, you can see it but we aren't going to take it home." He does pretty well with the concept overall. Anyhow, on one of our time killing shopping jaunts, he wanted to see several of the girls toys and dolls. This got me to thinking maybe I needed to expand his toy horizon a bit. We are well covered with cars, trucks, buses, trains, balls, etc. partly because he's so interested and partly because he has older brothers who were also well stocked. I didn't see any dolls that might work well for a boy - too "dolled" up, a bit over priced, and very plastic was all they had in the store. So, when we returned home and H finally got to sleep, I settled in for a little mommy research time on the Internet. I have discovered I am so thankful for the Internet living here! I have routinely shopped for things online for years but here it's become a necessity. I wound up reading about various people's viewpoints on why they gave a boy a doll. I wasn't interested in a "baby" doll but wanted something made out of cloth, preferably washable, and something that looked like him. I found two real choices. This week I finally ordered the less expensive of the two. If he doesn't play with it I haven't spent a fortune and if he does play with it I haven't spent a fortune. The doll came this week, along with some truck and popup books (just as an aside I order used whenever it makes sense) for later. I set the doll on the counter for a few days. Tonight he finally saw it and said "I want it. Mine." Ah, true toddler through and through. He played with it a bit and as we were getting ready for bed, I asked about it. He stated he wanted it. He kept saying "I have a boy!" "My boy!" "Little boy go to school?" "No, honey, he can't go to school but we can take him in the car and he will wait for you until I pick you up." "Ok."
As we were saying our good nights and giving "big squeeze, little squeeze" over the baby/dog gate, I mentioned we could name the boy. "H, what do you want to name him?" Deep thoughtful look for a few seconds, clearly contemplating the possibilities, as I eagerly awaited the response.
"Boy."
Our usual in the door routine is set our items down, gather the pet bowls, fill the bowls with food, and feed the cats in this order 1) Howie, 2) Forte, 3) WillHe (in a separate room.) Most days he is happy to help me gather the bowls and get the container out of the lower cabinet. Occasionally, he says he doesn't want to help but I'll have him do a little task and then he'll want to help with the rest. This was one such night. He didn't want to help me feed the cats. He wanted to play in the middle of the kitchen floor. So, I asked him if he would help me get the bowls. "No, mommy already feed the cats." "No, H I didn't feed the cats. Their bowls are right here. Would you help me get the container out of the cupboard?" "Ok, okay Mommy." And then he does a little boy move which cracks me up every single time. What is it about little boys that they have this funny full of themselves way of walking that is a little like the beginning of a breakdance, not quite getting there turns into a pimp walk, with feet slightly dragging, all the while looking incredibly laid back???? It's so hilarious and impossible to describe. I know I'll never get it on video but if you have a little boy, I gather you've encountered the same movements. I've seen my oldest step-son (well into adulthood) and two of my nephews move the exact same way! I try so hard not to laugh.
Sometimes H and I go "shopping" which mostly means I just need time out of the house and we will hit a store (not a lot to choose from around here) and wander around. He is fine with that as long as he gets to look at the sports equipment and toys. We spend a significant amount of time just slowly moving down the aisles while he asks to see certain things. It is 99.99% of the time prefaced with "Yes, you can see it but we aren't going to take it home." He does pretty well with the concept overall. Anyhow, on one of our time killing shopping jaunts, he wanted to see several of the girls toys and dolls. This got me to thinking maybe I needed to expand his toy horizon a bit. We are well covered with cars, trucks, buses, trains, balls, etc. partly because he's so interested and partly because he has older brothers who were also well stocked. I didn't see any dolls that might work well for a boy - too "dolled" up, a bit over priced, and very plastic was all they had in the store. So, when we returned home and H finally got to sleep, I settled in for a little mommy research time on the Internet. I have discovered I am so thankful for the Internet living here! I have routinely shopped for things online for years but here it's become a necessity. I wound up reading about various people's viewpoints on why they gave a boy a doll. I wasn't interested in a "baby" doll but wanted something made out of cloth, preferably washable, and something that looked like him. I found two real choices. This week I finally ordered the less expensive of the two. If he doesn't play with it I haven't spent a fortune and if he does play with it I haven't spent a fortune. The doll came this week, along with some truck and popup books (just as an aside I order used whenever it makes sense) for later. I set the doll on the counter for a few days. Tonight he finally saw it and said "I want it. Mine." Ah, true toddler through and through. He played with it a bit and as we were getting ready for bed, I asked about it. He stated he wanted it. He kept saying "I have a boy!" "My boy!" "Little boy go to school?" "No, honey, he can't go to school but we can take him in the car and he will wait for you until I pick you up." "Ok."
As we were saying our good nights and giving "big squeeze, little squeeze" over the baby/dog gate, I mentioned we could name the boy. "H, what do you want to name him?" Deep thoughtful look for a few seconds, clearly contemplating the possibilities, as I eagerly awaited the response.
"Boy."
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